On the Corruption of Middle School

April 30th, 2009

Dear Everyone,

I just met a middle school administrator for Arlington, TX. I’m going to tel you all about it, by taking you for a trip in my time machine. Let’s start where I didn’t know he was an administrator…

I enter Buffalo Wild Wings, and, as my Facebook status indicates, it would have been far classier for me to go to Hooters. Way classier.

I sit down, next to a gentleman in khakis and a blue collared shirt, and ask him if the seat is taken. I have some work I need to get done (which I’m now not doing, but hey, this is so fucking worth it). And he just sort of wiggles his fat head around in a yes motion.

I order a Dogfish 60 - the best beer they have here. I’m surprised they even have this.

I’m dicking around, doing some biostats, sending critical EMails, etc… Then I hear this gentleman’s friend go on about how lots of area schools are closing until at least May 8th. So, whilst my computer is out, three people want me to verify this (yes, I’m blogging, for a second time in 10 minutes, from a Buffalo Wild Wings). I obliged, cordially. I was happy to, because I might be quarantined down here, so, what the fuck, right?

I help verify/dispell some rumors for them. That is followed by the khaki’d gentleman, saying:

Looks like you’ll be stuck here a while.

I thought he meant quarantined. No, he meant this:

Because we’re going to secede.

Oh fuck. Let’s take a mini trip back in time.

When I got here initially, this guy was next to me, and another guy (on the other side) who had a girl with him. This guy left, and the khaki’d gentleman asked the bartender what the “guy’s deal” was via:

Is that dude a gay?

Oh no. Here we go.

‘Cuz it kind of looks like he shops at fags r’ us.

Oh damnit.

He was totally a fag

Really? But he had a girl with him

Fucking faggot

So I’m about to speak up and just inform him how ignorant this is, when I was asked to verify swine flu closings. I’m glad I didn’t inform him, because now I get a blog post out of it. He told me Texas was seceding, kind of like in that show with all the nuclear bombs and Texas was just the bestest: Jericho. I like that show. Well, I used to, until this guy ruined it. So he asks me where I’m from, and I will take you through what was basically our conversation from here on out:

Him: Oh, yah? You know, Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma - they would be able to defeat and run this entire country. You know, just Texas can do that, like in Jericho. You ever seen a war movie - they always got a guy from Texas.

Me: Yah, there’s always a dude named Tex…

Him: Louisiana is the new New Hampshire…

Did I mention this guy is hammered?

Him: Yah, you never see them in New Hampshire or whatever fighting, but you know they know how (*points to head like 80 fucking times*). But they don’t know how, we know how. We know how to fight. You know I actually just moved here.

Me: Oh really?

Him: Yah, like twenty years ago, so ya know. So what’s going on in the world there on that thing (*points at my computer*)

Me: Oh, I’m just doing some work.

Him: So what do you do?

Me: Oh, I’m a researcher. I do some cancer statistics, and I work as a mathematics education researcher.

And here comes the punchline…

Him: Oh yah, I’m a math educator.

Me: Oh really…?

Him: Yah, well, back in Louisiana. I’m a middle school administrator right now.

Me: What district?

Him: Right here.

Me (in my head): Buffalo Wild Wings Independent School District, huh? You’re a fucking moron.

Me (to him): Arlington?

Him: Yep [Some intangible name] Middle School.

Me: Actually, where I work, we had a huge project down here for 5 years, and I always thought it was interesting that Arlington was not involved. I mean, seriously, Fort Worth, Richardson, Plano, basically everything around Arlington was involved, except Dallas - but they have their own problems.

Him: Yah, Arlington likes to fight against shit.

Me (in my head): Oh here we go.

Me (to him): But, why would you turn down free software, free training for a bunch of your teachers, and a bunch of stipends? It’s research backed software, it’s awesome, and every district around you had it.

Him: Yah, we like to do our own thing. We got enough programs as it is. Did you know I can teach math up and down you?

Me (in my head): What in the fuck does up and down you mean?

Him: I can teach middle school kids anything, like trig or whatever. You know, I bet you can do do like diff-eqs or whatever, but I can teach it. I can teach it all.

Me (in my head): You’re a middle school administrator, at Buffalo Wild Wings, calling a guy a faggot, WICKED drunk, making dumb passes at the bartender and just kind of being an ass - ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW AT 7 AM!

Him: I can teach better than you.

Me (in my head): Not a shot in hell, homeboy.

Me (to him): Teaching is hard. I can’t say I can teach this, but I know it. Except, I can teach teachers how to teach better, but that’s not much at all or anything.

Please note my sarcasm.

Him: Yah, you know, I can do it, but we got 1100 kids in our school. I have two assistant principals. It’s a warehouse

Me (in my head): Holy shit!

Me (to him): Holy shit! You need to break that shit up, man. You can’t put that many kids in a school! What grades do you have? Five through eight? Five through nine?

Him: Seven and eight.

Me (in my head): WHAT THE FUCK?!

Me (to him): Dude, break that shit up somehow. You’re not being effective.

Him: No, I know. Right now it’s a warehouse. It’s easier for me to just take kids out, ya know? But like I was saying I can teach them all. I can teach a kid who doesn’t want to learn, right? And I can teach any retard you give me.

Holy. Shit. I might have to ask you to repeat what you just said so I know I’m not crazy. Oh, I don’t have to ask you, because you’re going to say it again? Alright then:

Him: Yah, I can tell you right now, I can teach any of those retards. I can teach them trig or whatever.

Apparently you’re specialty so far is “trig or whatever”. And apparently you’re awesome at teaching “retards”. Wow. You’ve, up until now, told me that Texas can kill anything and secede and run the US, (basically) that you hate fags, and you can teach a retard how to do tricks. Where can we go from here, huh?

Him: But you see, my school is so big. It’s a right wing conspiracy.

I think you mean left wing, you psycho.

Him: Left wing, too. You can’t leave them out. It’s the right wing’s fault I need to teach them all.

OK, I see your point about NCLB now, after the worst conversation ever. Go on…

Him: And it’s the left wing’s fault I have a warehouse.

OK, I see your point again. You made your points in the worst possible way, and you might be the most hatefilled person ever, is there anything else you’d like to say?

Him: But you know, we can secede ever since we got Obama, or whatever. You look like you can run the world.

Me: Of course I can. I will someday, just you wait and see.

Him: That’s right, where I come from, and where you come from, white people can do it. I guess black people can to. Not those ignorant welfare ones, the regular ones from up north.

I just stepped into a pile of shit, didn’t I?

Him: Well, it was nice meeting you.

Me (in my head): Please go the fuck away for ever, but before you do, give me your name so I can get you fired.

Me (to him): Yes, this was a lovely chat.

He exits, followed by the bartender following up:

Bartender: He’s in here, like every night. I don’t know why. I’m getting my degree in education, and he always tells me ‘Be a sub here for a while’.

Me: Don’t ever go to his school. Ever. Stay away from him. Go to Region 10 where people are wealthy AND intelligent, not just wealthy.

And so the Googling begins for middle schools in Arlington. I will find this guy, and I will be sure to send an EMail or two. What this guy doesn’t know, is I have lots of contacts in education - in this area. I cannot just sit here and let this man run a middle school in well-to-do district that is more liberal (though that has nothing to do with it) than most other areas of Texas. These are districts that can afford to be more open, and welcoming - and he rejects FREE AWESOMENESS, while insulting everything that isn’t a white straight male who has zero “learning disabilities”.

I am appalled.

ineedtodomyworknow,
-Derek

Posted in Pirates! | 3 Comments »

On the Corruption of Air Travel

April 30th, 2009

Dearest Constituents,

Let me begin this by saying firstly, I love my title series. Secondly, this must be brief, so it’s full of errors and incomplete. I wanted to get some funny images, and verify some names, especially where I get to the section on BRAINZZZ. Just enjoy these words in my sexy, soothing voice.
Let me begin by telling you about my journey to Texas. We shall take a delightful trip, together. It will be like you’re here, with me, getting Swine Flu, first hand. Let’s begin.

The night before, I started to get a little paranoid (seemingly unjust, but we shall soon find out how it may have been just right). At approximately 9:00pm, I ran out to get some masks. Just because of the H1N1 Google Map. The confirmed cases increased, in addition to the Dallas cases turning from “probable” to “OH FUCK IT IS!”. I went to Walgreens, and CVS, and had to settle for simple earloop masks. I packed approximately 10.

I had a departing flight from Providence at 6:00am, on Tuesday. Delta flight 5186 to Hotlanta (Fatlanta). So, I got up at 3:30am, accounting for the hour drive, plus the hour prior that is “necessary” for waiting at the airport.

So, the majority of the “necessary” hour pre-flight wait, I spent at a Dunkin’ Donuts in the TF Green airport. It had just opened, because not many flights leave before 5:30, and the lines were quite long. But there are 3 lines: 2 full service, and 1 beverage line. I had been in line for approximately 10 minutes, with no progress. And then a family of 4 showed up behind me in line. The kids (about 10 and 14) were “too tired to stand”, about 30 seconds into standing. So, the husband and wife were left. About 45 seconds later I hear some grumbling, here is the conversation he and I had. He didn’t know we were talking back and forth, but we were, I assure you:

Husband: “This fucking shit drives me insane.”
Me (in my head): “What fucking shit? And how insane?”
Husband: “These fucking lines. These fucking people. This is fucking insane”
Me (in my head): “Oh, well, sir, it’s the most popular breakfast chain in the entire northeast united states. In addition, it is quite early in the morning, at an airport that is expanding the number of flights they have. And there are quite a few people here for just 5:20 am, I assure you this!”
Husband: “Fuck this shit.”
Me (in my head): “Sir, what shit shall be fucked?”
Husband: “I am getting fucking tired of this shit.”
Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Me (in my head): “Ma’am, I believe he is angered by his own ignorance and impatience, but you should just play along, like I am.”
Husband: “This fucking line. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this line?”
Me (in my head): “Sir, I do sincerely apologize on behalf of the collective line for in fact, being a line. But you’ve been here for like 45 FUCKING SECONDS SO I WOULD APPRECIATE YOU SHUTTING THE FUCK UP.”

This continued for about 4-5 minutes, until the wife (who was way too attractive for him [in terms of attractiveness and general all-around-attitude]), piped in and said, “well, you could sit down.” His response:

Husband: “That’s a good fucking idea.” (sarcasm) “This fucking shit drives me insane.”

I’m not sure how insane he was driven, but I’m pretty sure it was a lot.

So, it’s eventually time to board the plane. I’m in the back. It’s a small plane, where we get the stairs and head down them, walk on over to the plane. Two seats on each side of the aircraft. Which I find strange – this is kind of a long flight (PVD to ATL). Whatever.

So I get to be in the back, with an aisle seat. I sat down, and the window-seater was already sitting. I take out my bagel, take one bite and hear “I need to use the bathroom.” Well, ma’am, I’m sure you do. Would you like me to cup my hands, or perhaps rub your back while you relieve yourself? Don’t mind me, I enjoy eating bagels while ladies piss. So I stand up, awkwardly clinging to my bagel and avoiding touching anything that is not me, or my bagel, because – I’m already paranoid about swine flu. I’m not a big fan of germs as it is, and make it a point to avoid them whenever possible. When she returns, she had the scent of a port-a-potty. Not the foul smell, really, that cleansing blue fluid smell. Let’s say – a fresh port-a-potty. Yes, she smelled like a fresh port-a-potty. FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING FLIGHT.

I was very tired – I had only 2 hours of sleep. I was in and out after the bagel, whilst on the runway. I eventually woke up just before we really started going. What did I wake up to? The flight attendant hacking her fucking lungs up. Yep. Awesome. The flight attendants (two of them) were stationed at the front and rear of the plane. The rear, was 2 seats behind me and to my left. I didn’t feel like being super-paranoid from Providence, and didn’t have a mask readily available, but I did think of bringing a particular Volcom brand Track Jacket. It has a zipper, and can zip naturally up to my nose.

Enter – the makeshift surgical mask. So I did.  I looked like a creep, because I was being all shifty with my eyes. Soon, I couldn’t physically stay awake, and sort of passed out, but not before I hear the flight attendant kind of groaning, and coughing a little gentler.

I come too (fully, before I was in and out), about 30 minutes from Fatlanta (Hotlanta). I did wake up briefly when beverage service started, but I pretended to be asleep, with my hands in my pockets, because I’m not drinking from a cup with flight attendant lung spew on it. And, since we’re at the back, I noticed that the sick flight attendant said (just before I passed out again), “Are we all set?” and the non-sick flight attendant say “Yah, I can take it from here.” The sick flight attendant then disappeared to the lavatory. That’s when I passed out again.

So, as we’re approaching Atlanta, the sick flight attendant is hacking even more. To the point now where coughs sounded like sneezes, and the entire back of the plane then responds “Bless you!”, cheerfully. She quipped back “Oh, that wasn’t a sneeze, darlings,” (southern accent), “that’s just me coughing.”

Fuck this.

So she struck up a conversation with those closest to her. They were all going to Phoenix. Keep this in mind. The flight attendant then disappeared to the lavatory 2-3 more times, for 5-7 minutes each, for the remainder of the trip into Hotlanta (Fatlanta).

Fuck that.

And now, is where some real fun begins. Mistress Port-a-potty picks up her phone, and calls, presumably, her boyfriend. He was at the bank, trying to get money out of her bank account. Why? Because before she left, he told her that he had plenty of money for the week, and “shit was cool”. Shit was not cool, my friends! How do I know all this, in such detail? Because she was fucking yelling almost the whole time on the phone. I could tell the conversation was wrapping up when I heard her say “Yah, you too”, about 7 times.

I knew the conversation was over when she said “I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear I’m going to fucking kill him.”

TIME TO GET OFF THE PLANE NOW KTHXBYE. So, if there are any national headlines about a murder in Fatlanta (Hotlanta) – I sat next to her. Additionally, within 48 hours of this post, if there are cases of probable (or confirmed) swine flu in Providence, Atlanta, or Phoenix – I can tell you exactly who “patient zero” for this spread of it was. Bear in mind, I had my jacket up over my face almost the entire time.

What did I learn from this? My jacket could use a good dry-cleaning. The inside smelled a bit funny. And I’m probably going to get swine flu. Oh, and don’t ever try to access your girlfriend’s bank account.

Let’s move on to Hotlanta (Fatlanta) airport. I find my terminal (or so I thought…). It was confirmed to be my terminal for 1.75 of the 2 hours I spent in Fatlanta (Hotlanta). It got changed 15 minutes before my plane took off. That’s OK, I got to see something awesome. CNN was on, with some show featuring simple-minded-tan attractive chick correspondent 1, and spiky-hair-dim-witted asshat correspondent 2 (a gentleman). And they ran a story of the first couple in Iowa to get gay-married

And there were two people (a man and a woman) under the TV. The man had a small dog with him. Some stupid tiny terrier – the name escapes me now, but it was still in puppy form. It was in his lap, and COVERED in pink bows. Keep this in mind. The lady was next to him, and she had a better view of the TV. When the story came up, she pointed him to the TV, and they both watched, followed by shaking their heads in complete disgust and murmur something about “the gays”, I’m not very good at reading lips, but that part was obvious.

Really? You’ve got a fairly gay dog, that you gayed-up real proper like, and you’re criticizing two lesbians who were so visibly excited and happy that they looked like they were going to cry tears of joy? In a state not even close to here? Wow.

Let me interject with something a bit more personal (about me, not like a secret or something). Since about August 2007, nearly 70-75% of plane rides I go on, I experience something terrible. Hopefully someone can help explain this to me. When the plane begins to descend, but just prior (as in 10 minutes to 30 seconds) to the captain informing the plane that we are making our descent, I begin to feel the most excruciating, crippling head pain I have ever felt. I get frequent (chronic?) headaches, and have for like 13-14 years now. They hurt, I’m used to them. They pale in comparison to whatever this is. It lasts until we’re about 2500 feet off the ground. It begins in the front, really at the center forehead, and moves in either direction until the middle of each hemisphere. Where things get to be real bad. I can feel a pain that goes back all the way to the middle area, I’d say just above the hippocampus. It feels like the opposite of someone squeezing – almost like my brain is trying to expand and get out of my skull, but, in very focused areas. At this midpoint, I feel the pain shoot down my tri-something nerves, and then start to swoop into the back, until it hits the top of the neck. From there, all my teeth feel like they are being electrocuted. I supposed the feeling couldn’t be described short of hemorrhaging. It genuinely feels like parts of my brain are expanding and trying to escape. Once it hits the back of my head/top of my neck is where it goes into cripple mode, where I close my eyes and feel like I can’t move. Anyone else? Anyone? I had to do this three times on the way out here. It only happens when I’m landing.

“Wait, three? But Derek!” You all shout. “You’ve only taken two planes, you obviously can’t count, you dolt.” Well, that’s where you’re half right, readers.

As we were landing in DFW, we’re about 20 feet from the ground. F’realz, too. I was a bit in and out of sleep again, and at this point, my eyes were closed, head down, waiting for touchdown (I kind of hate the feeling of landing, except for that whole landing safely part – the jolting and tipping makes me terribly uncomfortable). And then instead of feeling a touchdown, whilst I’m in partial consciousness, I feel a sudden acceleration, and pressure coming down on me. I look up, and to the left, then the right and notice we’re going up again.

Since I wasn’t really all with it, and sort of sleeping, when I noticed we were going up again, I was like “Did I just hallucinate flying from Hotlanta (Fatlanta) to Dallas?” No, wait, that’s not reasonable “Did I just enter a time warp? Is this that crappy Stephen King movie they used to put on ABC a long time ago, or is this the plot line to Lost or something?” I don’t watch Lost, but I am aware of planes and time travel.

Both of those were wrong. The pilot came back on the intercom, when we’re back at basically cruising altitude, which we got to quite quickly, and said “So folks, I’m sure you noticed we didn’t land back there. Just as we were landing, another plane on the runway had a malfunction and wouldn’t have been able to get out of our way.”

Holy shit. We would have smashed through some stranded plane at like 140mph. This trip can’t get worse, right?

Wrong, but you knew that.

I was quite aware of the increase in swine flu cases, as pointed out many paragraphs ago. So, I get off the plane and what do I see?  A cab with a license plate that said “fresh” with dice in the mirror, if anything I could say this cab was rare, but I thought forget it, yo home to bel air.

Ah, no, sorry, I didn’t mean to Bel-air you. What I did see, was some people wearing masks already in the airport. FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

Two memes in two paragraphs? That’s gold, right there.

I get to my grandparents place and see that the news is on. Super. It’s TxCN, the equivalent (rival?) of NECN. And they started running a story about how “4 more districts have closed, due to probable cases of swine flu in…” Oh really? Where, San Antonio, where there is a high concentration? “…the Dallas-Forth Worth area.”

Hey, that’s where I am! Cool! No, wait, that other thing… not cool!

Maybe that’s no big deal?

Well, the cancelled all school athletic events in this area until like May 9th or something, and later in the evening, watching news before Fringe (which was not as awesome as they told us it was going to be), a story was running on Swine Flu which informed us that most, if not all, Dallas area pharmacies are completely out of masks and respirators. Jackpot! I’m glad I thought of bringing some.

So, part of my master plan of protecting myself down here was to avoid all restaurants and bars at any and all costs except for tonight (I need wi-fi and it’s free at such wonderful establishments like Hooters and Humperdinks). Why? Well, I needs me some internetz for work, and for this, because it’s kind of a gem of a tale. But the avoidance factor is for these reasons:

  1. As James pointed out, nobody washes menus
  2. When bartenders or wait staff take things away, they don’t necessarily wash their hands before bring new stuff (glasses, dishes, etc…)
  3. This is a high traffic area right now. Arlington (where I am), has the following exciting summertime amenities:
  • Texas Rangers
  • Six Flags
  • Hurricane Harbor
  • Literally every chain restaurant ever
  • Dallas Cowboys new stadium (still being built – but there are tons of construction crews here)

But, alas, I had to go out to lunch with my grandmother (today, and will be going back out to commit this to the interwebs later tonight). We happened to pick a restaurant that was: “short staffed because lots of people called in today, unexpectedly.”

Fuck.

fuck,
-Derek

Posted in Pirates! | 6 Comments »

On the Corruption of Lesbians

April 24th, 2009

Dear Constituents,

I like my “On the Corruption of…” title, so I’ll probably make a non-linear series on that. I’m glad I got that out of the way.

However, this will be brief, because it’s just that unbelievably stupid.

CNN is running a story called “Why women are leaving men for other women.“  First of all, AWESOME! Second of all, there is a point made kind of explicitly, but sort of implicitly. So let’s use a quote, shall we?:

“It’s clear that a change in sexual orientation is imaginable to more people than ever before, and there’s more opportunity — and acceptance — to cross over the line,” says Klein, noting that a half-dozen of her married female patients in the past few years have fallen in love with women. “Most are afraid that if they don’t go for it, they’ll end up with regrets.”

Now, this is in part evidenced by the examples provided by CNN:

  • Lindsay Lohan and that other girl
  • Cynthia Nixon and that other lady
  • Katy Perry’s song
  • And, quote: “”The L Word,” “Work Out,” and “Top Chef” are featuring gay women on TV.”

Let’s take a quote from CNN from between the last two quoted items:

Certainly nothing is new about women having sex with women, but we’ve arrived at a moment in the popular culture when it all suddenly seems almost fashionable — or at least, acceptable.

Ah. There we go. I found it. What’s really incorrect about this, and just plain ridiculous, is the implication “times are a-changin’”. Wrong. For all the anti-gay uprising and sentiment in this country, which has been around for a while, but seems to be gaining more traction and steam - nobody really cares about famous lesbians, unless they are insane hardcore fundamentalist new-Earth rapture-loving religious whackos.

Why? Because they’re:

  • Famous
  • Attractive
  • Really attractive
  • Have a cult following for all of the above

They are celebrities that can get away with it. Which is what is really sad. It’s completely inaccurate to think that there is a turn in orientation, and the ability to be “freer”. These people are free because they are doing it for attention (Lindsay Lohan [and I'm totally giving it to her]), live far away from the craziest people in the country, or have more money to just not give a damn about it.

So, what’s the point? Well, this is CNN, becoming more, and more, and more of an absolute fucking joke within the last few weeks. Ashton Kutcher twitter racing? Come on. That was on your FRONT FUCKING PAGE for days.

When people do stop interfering in the lives of people who want to be happy with one another - then you can put out a story like this. In the meantime, you should be covering the trampling of freedoms, the repeal of Prop 8, and the hate crimes that go with it.

getfuckedcnn&dosomerealjournalism,
-Derek

Posted in Pirates! | No Comments »

On The Corruption of Science

April 23rd, 2009

Dear Anti-Science Dicknoses,

I’m becoming more and more upset with the infiltration of pseudo-science and anti-science into mainstream science, science based communities and generally intelligent groups of people.

But I’m upset not because these pseudo-science and anti-science groups and individuals exist, it’s fine. There always needs to be stupid people to make people like me feel awesome. And that’s real-science.

Originally, my oncoming rant was focused specifically at the infiltration of religion where it doesn’t need to be: Cognitive Science and AI. But today, some new dick-nose decided to cause all sorts of shit. Jim Carrey. You know, the respectable actor/well-informed scientist, who talks from his asshole.

Let’s start with Jim Carrey and his blog post on the Huffington Post - which in my opinion, can no longer be respected after this. I find it to be a shame, and a sham, that any respectable blog (is that an oxymoron?) would allow conspiracy-skeptic-willfully-ignorant people to do this? I think Skeptic Dad had a great, albeit it brief, and quick response to Jim Carrey. And the looney-tunes came out for this one. The comments are gems. Filled with God and how he built our bodies to effectively be a cybernetic organism capable of repairing itse… AWESOME I’M A CYBORG!

But let’s play Jim Carrey’s game.  What game is this? The easiest game to play in pseudo-science: Correlation = Causation.

So here’s how it breaks down. Considering the recent (as in 10 years) epidemiology of autism, there has been what some would consider an explosion. Let’s willfully ignore that the definition has broadened, and now includes the entire spectrum, kind of like they (NSFW!!) do.

But, let’s go back further. Let’s use the 1970s as a good example. When diagnosis started to really change from “refrigerator mothers” to something more legitimate, like “toilet mothers” (NSFW!!!). No, let’s be serious. Like them. AHH I CAN’T STOP DOING THAT.

FOCUS! Ok, so, 1970s. Autism diagnoses goes up. I have a new theory, which is equally as whacky, because I see a “correlation”: this is when we (United States) stopped giving smallpox vaccines. I hereby conjecture that the cause is the lack of the combination of chemicals received from vaccines. Why? Because it’s equally as valid as Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy’s argument. Let’s go through what else has increased over time with the increase in autism spectrum diagnoses, shall we?

  • Democratically elected governments in the Western Hempishere
  • Election of Republican Presidents
  • The amount of money Jim Carrey has made
  • The number of times a person, who is stimulated by naked chicks, finds Jenny McCarthy’s silicon filled tits on the internet.
  • The decrease in sales of spirograph[1]
  • Increase in synthesized and auto-tuned music

All of these things should show approximately equal correlation to each other and whatever Jim Carrey is saying. Oh I’m so sad. Let’s move on…

So I’ve become a bit angry at Reddit lately. For two reasons:

Please note, I linked to the comment threads. Why? Because that’s where I pwn some neuro-n00bs. I’m not a cognitive /neuroscientist (yet!) but I’m probably as close as one can get without actually being one, and having two silly degrees in computer science. Tidbit: did you know that means I can do the following things:

  • Install Windows XP
  • Explain to you why pictures you upload to Facebook stay there, even when you delete them from your computer
  • Play video games
  • Plug in your internetz

It took me 7 years to learn how to do all of that. It was well worth it, too!

Back to my real problem. It’s that second article, from The New Atlantis. A “Journal of Technology & Society”. Please note, that I fully understand “journal” basically means a form of a periodical - but by today’s popular definition, it tends to mean “scholarly” or “objective” or “not completely fucking laced with misinformation”. Additionally, every article they publish is REALLY FUCKING LONG. Like, academically long.

Now, I don’t expect any of you to read the “Why Minds Are Not Machines” article. If you have even the vaguest bit of knowledge of either computers or the brain-mind, then it’s really not worth the time and effort. It’s a long article that makes attacks on Turing (who is my fucking homeboy), his “test”, the Chinese room and a bunch of other stuff. All poorly explained, and clearly misunderstood.

And here I was, hanging on Reddit, responding thoughfully, because I kind of felt bad for Douchey McTropolis. So I did what I usually do when I feel as though someone is wrong - find their credentials and background. Especially when you claim you’re a scientist, and you’re really just a dickhead.

I came across nothing worth me looking further into that wasn’t the same article within 3 Google pages. I’m not well known, but I come up pretty early in the Googs.

So then I decide to visit the homepage of The New Atlantis, to see what other “quality” articles they are putting out there. And here are some titles, with some select snippets to illustrate the “quality”:

  • Socialism and Cancer: “Health care in the United States is worse than what you’d get in Colombia, Saudi Arabia, or Cuba—at least according to liberal critics and international bureaucrats.”
  • Stem Cell Update: “When President Obama announced his new embryonic stem cell funding policy last month, he left it to the NIH to set the rules, giving them no clear guidelines or ethical boundaries.“
  • Healthcare with a Conscience: “Catholic hospitals have long been important providers of American medical care. But as they have increasingly had to contend with secular institutions and regulations, their unique emphasis on values and compassion is being challenged.”

You know, I was going to go further, but I’ll just stop there. Now things are starting to click. But they don’t really click until I see who “sponsors” this journal, the Ethics and Public Policy Center. And here is another tidbit of info.

Oh. No. You. D’int. Get your Jesus out of my science. I know that there are some folks on the front-lines, doing the best they can to maintain the integrity of science - regardless of religious beliefs, but I feel like we’re about to get Battle of the Bulged.

I really, truly fail to see the intent of the intrusion of attack on “liberals” or “secularists” who still want nothing more than to help and save lives, when it comes to medicine and understanding our bodies (including minds).

I’ve worked exceptionally hard to know how the brain and the mind work - and to be able to recreate the simplest, yet most elegant of mechanisms. And these aren’t the only folks. Let’s not forget TEH LOLBIBLE CODE.

Why are you people getting all up in my science? Both of my sciences. It’s not like something in computer science, or cognitive science was somehow already dictated by the Bible, or any religious scripture. GTFO!!!

But I see what’s happening here. Bring the battle to all fronts. Even where it doesn’t belong. Some might call this terrorism. The only way to achieve discrediting science is by doing it in full force. The History channel sucks because they’re all about Jesus, Big Foot and Ice Roads now. We have the New Atlantis, sponsored by right-wing psychos that are seemingly hell bent on destroying and discrediting science. LOOK AT THE DARK AGES, YOU RUINED OUR POSSIBLE EXPONENTIAL GROWTH, YOU FUCKERS!

Obviously, I’m an advocate and supporter of science, and those that maintain, reinforce and advance its integrity. Usually in fields where I have more-than-trivial knowledge, and enough to refute some seriously insane people, or the willfully ignorant, or the “WELL WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?!!?!?!” crowd, but this was not my turf.

But now it’s creeping onto my turf.

So this is where I begin my stand. And, oddly enough, I think I’m going to be able to take the fight to them, on the most sacred of religious ground in the world: Texas.

GTFOofMyScience!,
-Derek

[1]SIMPSONS DID IT!

PS: Here is what a dicknose looks like (Uh, sort of SFW). And, if you can tell me the following, you will acquire my undying love:

  • Actor’s name
  • Character’s name
  • Movie

Posted in Pirates! | 10 Comments »

Numbskulls, you’re all numbskulls.

April 17th, 2009

Dear UMass Numbskulls,

Your skulls, they are quite thick. And numb, don’t forget numb. But, for my beloved constituents who have been on the edge of their seats for 6 months for me to update, let me bring them up to speed. Let’s take a lexical journey.

I came into work today. Within 1 minute, I was asked by James “Has Ryan talked to you yet?”. James had a concerned look on his face. At this point I usually assume there is a major change to software or an overhaul of some feature on the website or some other typical, run-of-the-mill distressed-face look. We have these quite often here.

Today, his face did not mean overhauls or feature changes: “Someone here on the network has been downloading the files off of your machine out of your shared folder.” Note, I’m being intentionally ambiguous as to what kind of files, but, I am, of course a gentlemen, and they were quite safe for work (i.e. not pr0n). I’m also not pointing out who may have been doing so.

So how did we find out this tidbit of information? This is a fairly stealthy act. We wouldn’t know unless we’re monitoring network traffic. Enter the numbskulls…

Someone from another office was taking my files. They ran into trouble with said files, and called the IT staff to come help and fix their computer. PROBLEM!

These files are my personal backups, which include, but are not limited to multimedia. My shared folder at work is actually more of a personal folder. It allows me to transfer between machines easily. I named this folder “STUPID_FUCKING_CRAP”. I should have known that numbskulls love folders with weird names.

So, when the IT staff realize that someone (actually some folks) have been downloading MY files, which include multimedia files, they then say they have to report it. There is a problem with that. These are my personal backups. I made a rookie mistake - I put them in a shared folder for convenience.

I’m getting punched in the face with this knowledge. It happened within 5 minutes. When I realize the IT staff guy is still here, I decide to go over, and explain what the files are, and why they are there. I believe in multiple backups, and they were put there pre-Taiwan. It was also when I was transitioning from two laptops that were not my personal property, to one laptop that was. This machine at work (which is a work machine, not a personal machine), was the only stable machine in my life at the time. It was like a personal server.

So I went to explain what they were. He said he wasn’t going to report it, but I don’t quite believe it. I made a mistake - but nothing immoral or illegal. ENTER THE NUMBSKULLS AGAIN…

Numbskull 1 decides to intervene in this conversation with this statement:

“I didn’t mean to snitch on you. I was just having a problem with my computer.”

Let’s break this statement down, specifically, sentence one.

“I didn’t mean to snitch on you.”

This immediately implies that I am at fault. Me. It’s my fault for having these files. It’s not Numbskull’s fault for immorally and possibly illegally taking files from MY machine without my knowledge, permission or consent. And there are other files on my machine which are quite sensitive that are not mine.

To follow up on Numbskulls numbskullery of a statement - I reiterated they were backups, and they’ve been there for a while, for easy access and convenience. ENTER THE NUMBSKULL AGAIN AGAIN…

“I’ve been doing it every Friday. But it’s OK, now I just burned all of it to CDs and DVDs so it’s alright”

What the fuck? The prior belief amongst those of us who were electronically violated was that this was a new thing. Apparently it’s been every Friday. That’s right - instead of doing their jobs, they, they have been downloading our files. It doesn’t make it OK that you burned them all! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

So here’s where it gets weird. All of the above is appalling, and fairly unbelievable. We’ve been here for two years. The Numbskull and the other Ninnymuggins have been our neighbors. We know their names. They don’t know ours. And here is the question I was presented with as I was leaving their office, defending myself and my right to have my backups, as they ignorantly admitted to taking, copying, and spreading the word of these files - with a cheery innocent face:

“So that star on your elbow, what does that mean? It’s a porno star, right? That’s what my kids tell me.”

Holy. Shit. Let’s analyze this statement, in significant detail, after the following statement:

“Yah, she only refers to you as ‘the guy with tattoos’”. - Lindsey, a non Numbskull, and wonderful person.

Two years. Neighbors. Collaborators (kind of). Occasional informal tech support. And I don’t have a name. Nor could the porno star question come up at a less awkward and less inapropriate time. Analysis!

“It’s a porno star, right?”

wait, wut? That’s an innapropriate question at 10am. It’s very inappropriate during a near-crisis. It’s overwhelmingly inappropriate during a near-crisis at 10am when I’ve been at the office for 7 minutes. It’s an outright inappropriate assumption about a fairly simple, but often showing tattoo of a research associate at a well respected center. Let’s analyze the next part, the best part:

“That’s what my kids tell me.”

Your kids. They’re telling you that a two-tone five-point star means “porno”, or “porno star”. I don’t know whether that means I am a porno star, and indicating via the tattoo, or if the tattoo just means I fucking love me some porn. But… your kids…? Your kids told you that it means “porno”. You, Numbskull, are not over the age of 35.

HOW OLD ARE YOUR KIDS AND WHY ARE THEY TELLING YOU A TWO-TONE FIVE-POINT STAR IS SYNONYMOUS WITH PORNOGRAPHY?

whatthefuck,
-Derek

Posted in Pirates! | 6 Comments »

Drink the Debate

October 8th, 2008

Dearest Constituents,

Let me just stretch my blog bone for a moment.

So here’s the deal… the debates are great, but they can only get better with drinking. With some suggestions from my best-internet friend, and some actual humans, here’s how it’s going to go down:

Neutral rules:

  • When a candidate draws an uncomfortable laugh - 1 drink
  • When a candidate must be reminded of the rules - 1 drink
  • Blame & Defect: When a candidate blames the piss out of the other and follows with some variation “but that’s not what you want to hear…” - 5 drinks
  • When the moderator draws an uncomfortable laugh - 1 drink
  • Misplaced analogies - 1 drink
  • Screwing up historical quotes - 1 drink
  • Answering a different question - 5 drinks

McCain rules:

  • When he says or mentions one of the following - 1 drink:
    • “My friends”
    • “I’m a hero”
    • “Bipartisan reach-arounds”
    • “Earmarks & Pork barrels[1]“
    • “Maverick”
    • “Washington insiders”
    • “REAGAN SMASH”
  • Stroke - 2 drinks
  • Heart attack - 2 drinks
  • Involuntary bowel movements[2] - .5 drinks
  • Every 10 blinks[3] - 1 drink

Obama rules:

  • He sure does - 1 free drink
  • The “Fuck you, McCain” stare - 2 drinks.
  • When he says or mentions - 1 drink:
    • “Middle class”
    • “Now wait a minute”/”Hold on there…”
    • “Change”
  • If he does anything like this - drink everything you can find.

he’ssoold,
-Derek
[1]Pork barrels are a delicious salty snack by the nice people are Frito-Lay
[2]He does this often
[3]I think he’s trying to hypnotize me

Posted in 2008 Candidates, Billy Crystal, Dial A for Awesome, Dial F for Fucking Awesome, Dial S for Sad, LOLitics, Moral Victory | 2 Comments »

The Most Popular Phrases in Taiwan

August 19th, 2008

Dear All,

In my short time here, I’m hearing a lot of the same phrases over and over again. Here are the top 6 most popular:

6. American Hero! (every time a random Taiwanese person wants a picture, or when I drink a lot, or when I flex in the mirror)
5. Nimen hao, biaozi! (an incorrect, Americanized translation of “What’s up bitches?”)
4. BU YAO! (DO NOT WANT!)
3. I’m never getting funding again
2. Duibuqi (a formal apology)
1. Dick move, D-Rock!

mypicturesreallytellabetterstory,
-Derek

I’m kind of a Taiwanese rock star, now

Posted in Pirates!, Taiwan | 1 Comment »

My Accidental Conversion to Taoism

July 6th, 2008

Actually, any updates or edits to the story will be provided in the comments sections. Except grammar and spelling mistakes, which I’ve noticed, this is littered with. KTHXBYE

In what is, has been, and forever will be ( on the internet ) I’m stepping out of the “dearsomething” character, and into the real experiences of Derek and his emotions. One of those emotions is “Awesome”, if you remember correctly. This is a story, wherein I’ve given the punchline in the title. I’m a Taoist now, and it is probably the single funniest, yet one of the most traumatic stories I’ll ever tell. Future edits might be made, if I can remember more of the fucked up shit that happened, and that’s a scientific term. They will be marked in red, and then back to black when another new edit presents itself.

As previously stated, the punchline is in the title, but the joke really gets better. And scarier, kind of like a parade of clowns, and just clowns. So, my Saturday, July 5th, of 2008, has been what I shall consider the most emotionally charged roller-coaster, and a serious case of “What the fuck?”s. I hope you enjoy this as much as I didn’t enjoy it.

Here in Taiwan, I have an acquaintance from back home. Sparing numerous details, there was a trip planned for me to see Taichung. Involved in this trip was a temple tour. I believe this temple tour was similar to that like the LongShan temple tour we (the NSF/NSERC) participants in this years SIT (Summer in Taiwan) program. The LongShan temple tour was totally awesome. A beautiful temple with Buddha on one side and Confucious on the other side, if I remember correctly. We got to hang out, look around, learn some history and sweat our fucking faces off. There was even some time to feed some fish. I also believed that this new temple tour in Taichung would be 2-3 hours, similar to LongShan, and then we’d move on to see the sites of the city. A day was planned that involved a 2 hour car ride from JhongLi to Taichung, and obviously back. Approximately 8 hours were to be spent in Taichung… Or so I thought. Dun dun dun…

The following story will be broken down by time frames, by the hour with “bullet points”, with some prequel action gettin‘ up all in ya. These bullet points are in no way points, rather notations to specify a particular part of the story that happened within a particular hour. I want to include links to some of the points of interest, but this has taken nearly three hours to write, and it takes about 2 hours to tell. I apologize for lack of links.

pre-precursor:
  • It should be well known that a city tour is a tour of a city.
  • It should be well known that a temple tour is merely a tour of the temple.
  • A temple tour does not involve conversion to another religion, especially, when the convertee is intentionally not informed.

precursor:

  • Via EMail exchanges, a Taichung tour was in the works, for me. This tour included a temple tour, and “activities” in the afternoon, as well as meeting up with some “very friendly friends” of my acquaintance. Alright, that sounds cool. I did some Wikipedia-ing to find out more about Taichung, and it looks like a great place. A separate friend informed me that Taichung has lots of organized crime. Awesome! I don’t think I’ve seen organized crime close up, before! Especially in Asia!
  • So, some of the EMails became more and more cryptic. I believed at the time, this was due to a communication breakdown in English. Oh snap was I wrong. I was informed that I would be blessed by the Buddhas (please take note of the s, I believed this was part of the communication lapse - you’ll find out how wrong I was). And in order for me to be blessed by the Buddhas, I need to be a vegetarian for three days. Ok, I’ll play along. Most of the meals I’m eating here in Taiwan have been vegetarian anyways. I fucking love fried rice. I don’t think I could possibly be in a better culinary place than right now. I fucking LOVE fried rice.
  • Some of the signs of what was going to go down should have been more apparent to me. I consider myself fairly in tune with shit - and that’s as eloquent as I can put it. I’m pretty aware of what’s going on around me and with others, I feel like I can read situations, even during difficult communication settings. Well, apparently my information-meter was on the fritz and I totally fucking dropped the ball on this one. In retrospect, the EMails are clear as day - I was going to get my ass converted, but to which religion, I didn’t even know yet. To be honest, I wasn’t even aware of this religion (to be noted much later).
  • I consider myself fairly well versed on understanding lots of religions (Thanks 9th grade History teacher, Mrs. Dwyer!). Including many Eastern religions. Most are not as complex or demanding as Western ones. They are more peaceful and simplisitc - if you want to be a part of one of them, you can just be that way, no weird shit involved. Except this one.

9:00 - and the story begins.

  • My acquaintance arrived at NCU in JhongLi, from Taipei to pick me and take me to Taichung. Taipei to JhongLi = ~1 hour; JhongLi to Taichung =~ 2 hours. I bet right now you’re saying “What the fuck does Taipei and Taichung mean?” Well, I can actually tell you that. Taipei has it’s name, because it’s in the northern part of Taiwan: Tai = Taiwan, Pei = North. Similarly, Tai = Taiwan, Chung = Center. The same applies for Tainan (south, bitches!). There’s some science for you. Through the previous EMail exchanges, I had believed that it was acquaintance and acquaintances mom (further known as just “mom”), were going to take my to Taichung. Much to my surprise, 4 other people were in the car. All family members and family friends. Did I mention that I’m awkward in any language and all cultures? That’s a pretty important fact to remember.
  • Acquaintance was going to bring me a vegetarian breakfast, as a gift, and to make sure my bless-ability was high. What was my vegetarian breakfast? It was a three layer sandwich of course. You take two slices of perfect triangular cut bread (creating 4 triangles) and just stack that shit up.
    • Layer 1: Rice and something
    • Layer 3: Tomatoes and something
    • Layer 2: Ham… Wait, ham? That’s probably the most anti-vegetarian you can get without eating human babies. I do hold a personal exception for some pork products in the vegetarian land. Just ask the vegetarians (and former vegetarians) that I know. They usually don’t eat meat because it’s been killed for that meat. Well, that rules out both hot dogs and bologna. Did you know that? You do now. Hot dogs and bologna have NOT been made out of meat that was intended for kill, it’s just the left overs of what was intended… ere go: vegetarian friendly.
  • Included in my breakfast was milk tea. Milk tea is black tea with milk, and when it’s bubble milk tea, it has some tapioca bubbles hanging out. This shit is delicious. After eating and drinking some of this I felt less awkward, and way more appreciative of this trip (oh how the tables shall turn!).

10:00

  • Awkward subsided! I’m feeling OK, I’m seeing beautiful country side, and the ocean and all sorts of shit! The wind farms here are HUGE. They have them along the coast running from the south of Taiwan to the north. The electricity for Taiwan is supposedly generated in the south, but sent north. The wind farms here are for generating extra electricity, or probably for compensation in loss of power over distance, or some other fucking junk I learn in physics II and really don’t give a damn about. They were neat, though. And really, really big.
  • I saw the kick ass high speed rail (HSR) going wicked fucking fast. It looks just like the monorail in Disney, but faster.
    • Hey, remember when that was a serious technological achievement and a part of an initiative of sustainability and advances in transportation for America? Yah, I do too. It’s really awesome that America (as a country, supported by the government) is on the cutting edge of this. You know, instead of THEME PARK CORPORATIONS.
  • So mom and other drivers here seem to be reinforcing the Asian driving stereotype. However, I have a revelation - Asian drivers are not bad drivers, just like Boston drivers aren’t bad drivers! They just firmly believe they individually own the road and have the right to do what they please! Awesome!

11:00

  • I see a sign for Taichung. Awesome. I’m excited more so than ever now. No more awkward. Well, that’s not true, I’m always filled with at least 15% awkward. And something I learned from 10th grade chemistry is super-saturation. Did you know that I can super-saturate (both myself and ANY situation) with awkward? Current records show upwards of 150% capacity. I’m shooting for a record next time.
  • I notice we didn’t take the exit for Taichung, rather the one before. I’m OK with that. Taichung seems pretty big, so whatever! We’re heading down some main roads, and the design of these are nothing short of completely incorrect and counter-intuitive. But then we approach a dirt-road. It looks kind of strange, and we totally go down it. OK, fine. The temple is down here and semi-secluded. I’m down with tradition. But what I’ve noticed is we’re not really in a city. I realize, we’re in the COUNTY of Taichung. What township or city we’re in, I haven’t a fucking clue. And that’s not cool.
  • Did I point out that in the pre, and pre-pre cursors I had lots of paranoid thoughts about this? No? Well, I did. That all went away between the hours of 9:00 and 11:00. They’ll be back shortly.
  • The first thing I noticed upon rolling up to the temple, is that there are no tourists. LongShan was filled with them. I read about some others in Taichung, and assumed they were also filled with tourists, as well as legit temple-goers. This isn’t quite a red flag yet, so we’ll call it a pink flag
  • So I get out, and I wanted to bring my stuff with me, like a nerd. I had a back pack with some necessities. Like extra clothes because I sweat buckets here, and some toilet paper. Wait, I thought I said necessities? I did. Apparently in lots of places in Taiwan TP is not provided. This is another story for another time (which shall include what I’m guessing is a toilet, but looks more like a hole in the ground, in various major establishments in Taiwan). But I was told I can just leave my stuff in the car (in Chinese), I had to decipher via hand gestures. I’m digitally-clicking up a storm. Pictures are fun. I’ve never taken so many pictures in my life. And my camera rocks. It’s a Canon Powershot A470, per recommendation of Ed, thanks Ed - you’ve allowed me to quickly and with high detail, photo document what will be a form of low-level torture.
  • I understand that I need to perform some basic things in order to be accepted in a place of worship. It’s common when you enter a place that doesn’t match you’re beliefs or whatever. So, we’re about to enter the first big room, with three statues behind three separate glass partitions. It’s a very large, open room (open to the outside as well). I start to take some pictures and wander, when my acquaintance informs me that I need to take off my hat and bow 4 times. OK, that’s fine. I’m down. I just needed to fit in for a little while, I get it.
  • More pictures! The first level is fun, and there are like 4 levels to this place. I noticed three separate figures behind glass. What happened to “Buddhas”? Aha! I’ve now picked up on some phrases, Buddhas is being used pluraly. It seems like a word that is interchangeable with Deity. OK, fine. So, this is a Buddhist temple, it looks different, and I’m not quite sure what it is, but Confucious is mentioned a bunch, so I’m assuming it’s his joint.
  • So I’m escorted from the first big room, and told there are more statues upstairs. I’m taken off to the side, I’m bowing and saying hello in Chinese and explaining where I’m from and stuff. As far as I know, up until now there are 1.25 English speakers in this place: Me (0.95) and acquaintance (0.30). Then I end up in this smaller, more private room. There are lots of small statues and figurines, a table, a room divider and pictures everywhere. At first, I’m clicking away, but then I notice that this room looks and feels more like a private room, and my analogy to this is a priest’s quarters, or smaller meeting room in a Catholic church. Usually not for the public. Ok weird.
  • I’m asked to sit down, and someone brings me a piece of paper, obviously with a dickload of Chinese on it. At this point I start to get really, really nervous. My acquaintance tells me it’s just a form for my name to give to Buddha (note no s this time), so he can bless how awesome I am (I’m spicing up the blessing!). I can write my name, no big deal. But I’m then informed that I need to put my education level, and occupation. Oh, and don’t forget the email address phone number, and mailing address. I don’t think Buddha or his pals have internet access, or will be sending me any gifts at Christmas.
    • The nervousness went away and immediately returned. So I filled out some bogus information. Usually when confronted with pressure I can keep my cool, and get really creative. My creativity knows no bounds. But I choked. My fake phone number? A place I used to work: StarLand. My fake address? Really similar to my real address. Good going, D-Rock!
  • I’m now told I’m going to leave this room, and head upstairs…

12:00

  • I’m now going upstairs, and some serious uneasiness is setting in. My acquaintance does not join me, rather, someone else who “speaks English” is going to take me upstairs and she’ll be joining us in a few minutes. I’d like to point out that this “English Speaker” is an “English Teacher” here in Taiwan. Apparently this is why so many people are so bad at speaking English - he was awful. So I’m now separated from the 1 person in this situation that I’ve come to know, and may I add (of course I may, it’s my story, asshole), that I barely know her. My uneasiness is turning into actual sickness, my stomach hurts, and I want to go home. At this point, home is referred to my current place in Taiwan, at NCU - a 2 hour car drive from where I am. I’d like to point out that very, very soon, I’ll desperately want to return to my real home - 12 time zones away. That’s a full 24 hour trip, folks. It involves at least 2 planes. I’m really in for it.
  • So, I’m in a room with some of the holy leaders and this “English Speaker”. I’m observing some rituals and told I can ask questions whenever I want. Some small explanations occur. They bring fruit and tea to “Buddha” - and the statue behind the glass is not Buddha, but is being referred to as Buddha. This is a female Deity, and I forget her name.
  • Oh great! My acquaintance has arrived! She’s changed her clothes though. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt before, and now it’s a more formal mid-shin length black skirt and white frilly top, kind of like her mom. Oh… wait… every woman in the room is dressed the same way. Oh… wait… every guy in the room is also dressed in black pants and a white shirt (some polos, some button-ups, you know, because it’s business casual Saturday). Red flag!
  • I’m informed that I’ll be involved in some of the stuff that happens. I thought I was going to watch what happened here, and then later, before I leave there would be a worship time or something. OK, I’m down. I can do this.
    • I’d like to point out that I was raised Catholic, but on the scale of religion I fall somewhere in the non-theist category (Dr. Momentum’s term). I haven’t abandoned the Catholic church, and I’ll go there once in a while for certain things, but I have yet to tell them they are full of shit. I’m respectful like that.
  • So, I’m told by my acquaintance that I’ll need to make a small donation. I don’t like this idea, but I’ll go with it. 200$NT is common for a donation. That translates to approximately 6$US. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but that gets me 4-6 decent meals (in both quality and quantity, so in actuality, it is quite a bit when I have a very limited stipend that is 2/3s gone because of classes and rent - I’ve only been here 2 weeks. I have 7 more). Also, now I’m being led into part of the ritual. Except this time, I’m the only one. Before, lots of people were involved.
    • Oh, and did I mention that around this time I started to notice the room was split by gender? No? Yah, it totally was. My observation powers are clearly not applicable in temples. It’s kind of like Superman with kryptonite, or Wolverine near Magneto.
  • During the Derek only ritual, I had a holy leader next to me, who didn’t speak English telling me what to do (guy), and a holy leader in front of me (woman) saying and doing stuff. The guy is showing me things to do, and the woman is telling me stuff. The English translator is on the side, informing me of what is being said, but his English is poor and my hands are shaking. I’m really, really nervous at this point. I’m bowing and folding my hands in a specific way, and what not. I’m thoroughly not enjoying this in anyway.
  • The holy mother is saying something, something different from before. I don’t know Chinese, but this isn’t the same thing as what other people were doing. I’m no longer doing what they did, as a sign of respect for their worship. Something else is going on…Oh fuck, I’m being converted. I picked up on this through poor English and noting that the woman holy leader was going to “find my heavenly portal”. Yep, I’m becoming a part of their religion. Which religion at this point, I’m still really un-fucking-clear.
  • Conversion over… or so I thought. Jesus is not going to be happy about this one. I didn’t tell him that we’re not an item anymore, but when he finds out I’m now with what seems to be 6 other Deities, he’ll get the idea. So after my heavenly portal has been found (which is in the same person for everyone), and opened, it’s time for a lecture. The English speaker guy is translating what the guy holy leader is saying. In the lecture, I notice that there are a lot of people watching this whole thing go down. LOTS. I’m being observed. So I’m learning about the three treasures. One is where the heavenly portal is. Another is a secret phrase that can’t be said outloud. This phrase allows me to stop a disaster from happening - seriously. I can stop things from happening. Now my superhero analogy doesn’t seem so strange, does it? The third treasure is that I know how to hold my hands in the form of a babies heart. Oh, did I mention that I’m not supposed to tell anyone, ever, about any of these? Yah, well, it’s on Wikipedia, so I’m cool (link at the end of this).
  • In this lecture, I didn’t realize until the 4th occurence, that I’m being quizzed. This is a serious fucking conversion here. This is no joke, son. I’m perfectly content not knowing any secrets. I’m really not OK with any of this and I’m on the verge of a Buster Bluth panic attack.
    • Because obviously the blue stuff is land and that means the ocean is…
  • There is a mention of Taoism in the lecture somewhere. OK, cool, I’m a Taoist. Around this time I realize, I’m not at a Buddhist temple. This isn’t Buddhism, and I wasn’t even sure at this point if it was legit Taoism either, but I knew it was some hybrid, with very culty properties. There are some things here that I’m not getting or understanding. But the lecture is over and everyone in the room (which is basically fucking full) is really happy and excited. I’m their newest member and I had no idea that it was going to go down. Ultimately, this is the punchline in this story, but you’re not even going to believe the shit that happens next. I consider myself really intune, as I already claimed. I can figure out situations, and expect things. Usually when I’m confronted in a terrible situation or situation I can’t read, I expect on the worst most awful things that could happen. This way, when they don’t happen I’m totally relieved. I think it’s a great way to live and most disagree with me. However, this was one of those days where my creative-negativity based expectation-imagination could not have possibly conceived the shit that was about to go down.

13:00

  • It’s time for lunch. In a huge cafeteria like room. So, here in Taiwan I’ve already gotten used to being “the white guy” or “the American” on campus. In fact, I’m easily identified by my tattoos. A very nice girl in downtown JhongLi noticed them and helped me when I clearly couldn’t understand what was going on. She explained to me she remembers me walking around NCU. I get lots of double takes here, little kids seem to be fascinated. Well, this room was like a million little kids in terms of fascination, but they were all older, some looked like skeletons and mummies. So at the lunch table, we’re split up again, guys and girls on different sides, like in second grade with the great Cootie-pandemic of ‘90.
  • Some of these lunch items are delicious. Taiwan has awesome food. I have some rice. Did I mention that I FUCKING LOVE FRIED RICE? There is some bamboo something or another, bamboo soup and other vegetarian friendly dishes. Like two different forms of chicken.
    • This is the worst vegetarian cult, ever.
  • One of these dishes is curried chicken. I fucking hate curry. But people insist on shoving shit into my bowl. I don’t feel like eating at all, but I do. I feel incredibly sick, I’m shaking a bit and my mind and heart are racing. I’m scared. At this point I’ve been looking for exits and sizing up people. How much ass could I kick when I freak out? On the verge of some of my almost panic attacks I realize that I probably need to calm the fuck down (a scientific term stolen from Madame Kevlar), because something isn’t sitting right me with me in terms of how these people perceive response and emotion, and we’ll find out more about that in the 14:00 and 15:00 hours! I was thinking of how a 10 foot fall would be from a window if I had to jump, I was paranoid. I wanted OUT. I wanted to GO HOME TO MASSACHUSETTS, so bad. Then it hit me, even if I run away from this temple, right now, where the fuck am I going to go? My shit, which included my translation books, where locked in mom’s car. And I didn’t even know where mom’s car was, because she dropped us off then went and parked. Something told me in the morning before I left, to bring my US simcard. I have an excess amount of funds on my AT&T account, in case of emergencies, and so I don’t have to worry about bills for the year basically. But something told me I was going to need this card to call the US. I was wrong, but I was really, really close to being right.
  • I hate being forced to eat, and I hate eating when I’m sick. I’m also incredibly picky about food. So after people were shoveling shit into my bowl, I put it down and indicated I don’t want anymore, in a nice manner. “You must eat everything, for the Buddha’s require we cherish our food.” Fucking great. I have to eat this shitty curry and make myself sicker. Awesome. This is a huge problem for me, and makes me angry. I’ve been deceived. Manipulated, bamboozled. I don’t think I could hate this situation anymore. But as the future tells, I can!
  • It’s time clean up, so I bring some bowls and chopsticks and junk to the kitchen. After this it’s time to participate in activites. Originally, I thought these activities would include some Taichung action. NOPE. They include going upstairs and participating. I realize at this point they are going to be religious activities. I don’t hate religion or religious people. But I do hate “religious activities” that come in the form of games and “fun stuff!”. I think they are awful and brainwashing, regardless of religion.
  • I’m brought into an air conditioned room with 3 large groups of girls. All girls, no guys. It’s a large room with lots of chairs in two separate columned-groups. These girls are fascinated with a) the American boy, and b) the American boy is from Boston. I know Boston is great, and I’m glad that other cultures realize it, but it’s not making me feel any better. Shit isn’t getting weirder yet, but I’m not paying too much attention to what my acquaintance is saying about what is going on. Something has caught my eye, and really, really upset me. There was a girl, in the middle of the closest columned chairs, by herself. Clearly not participating, but looking at all the different groups for periods of time, almost like she does want to participate. She turns around, and I can see her. She looks like she may have down syndrome. I’m obviously not an expert, and my judgment could be wrong. Down’s syndrome or not, she was being cast aside. I feel truly disgusted, but again this is only a presumption. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I was. It seemed like she was intentionally left out. At this time, it may seem too early to judge this situation for you, the readers, but a future occurrence happens that reinforces that there is some sort of behavior of the temple that leaves people out, or casts them aside. I don’t quite have words to describe how upset I felt at this point, but it was a combination of fear, disgust, paranoia and anger.
  • Well, to the upstairs, where the guys are. I’m not allowed to be a part of any of the girls activities, and my acquaintance has special permission to be with me during guys things, as will be further elaborated on. As we go back downstairs to where the guys our, she points out that all the men sleep on this side of the temple, and all the women on the other side. This hit me as strange, because they weren’t sleeping quarters for holy leaders, they were bunk style. Large planks of wood that stretched across the length of the temple on either side of the room. Image row upon row of bunk bed frames next to each other, with no dividing wood. FIRE-TRUCK RED FLAG. These look like Heaven’s Gates bunks, but worse. I’m a part of a cult, and now I know it. I size up the gentlemen I can see, and figure out if I can at least knock over enough guys to run the fuck away if I have to. I wear a studded belt, with a large belt buckle. It wraps nicely around my forearm and hand, giving me a Hellboy like fist (what’s with the fucking super heroes?). It’s great, but there are alot more people here than I thought. I can take them, I hope…
  • So we’re in the guys activities room. Religiously activities are usually the same, from my experience. I’ve observed some of other religious, and seen many first hand that are Christian and more specifically, Catholic based. Even though I don’t understand Chinese, I’m usually good at picking up on gesture and action, thanks SimCalc! But I can’t for the life of me figure out what the fuck the girls were doing, or what the guys are doing. My acquaintance explains to me what is happening, sort of, in broken English. She explains (as I’m retranslating it for you) that this is a role-play game. The different boys in the group are taking on roles, to understand what it’s like to be someone else. Some of these roles include a recycler (like a garbage man here - recycling is huge, different story for a less creepy time), a bike rider, a poor man, a pair of rich men, and a grandmother. I’m fucking baffled. Then my acquaintance indicates they’re doing something with “AQ“. Then she elaborates it’s like IQ, but for Emotion, then corrects herself and says “EQ“. She then says “emotion quotation”. I’m still baffled by what’s going on, and she starts talking about “transferring of the mind”. Ok, this is pretty fucked up at this point. CHERRY RED FLAG. I was distracted from the EQ while she was talking about mind transfer, but I figured it out. Emotional Quotient, as in measuring some form of emotion, like an IQ test. This is pretty messed up. It’s scientology-esque now, and I’m getting more scared than before. At this point I realize I’m really glad I’ve been in control of my potential freak outs, because they don’t take anything short of complete happiness lightly. At this point it is confirmed for me that I cannot freakout, no matter how badly I want to. This is the worst situation I can think of: all I want to do is freak out, my body and mind are telling me to, but I know that I can’t, or else I’ll probably get locked in a room and tortured until I’m happy. Someone comes in and indicates it’s time to go to a lecture. I’m staring at my watch, counting down the hours. I can’t fucking believe it’s like 5 more hours…

14:00

  • So this EQ nonsense has me scared shitless. This place is a bit more fucked up than I thought. My acquaintance and I don’t leave quite yet, and one of the younger holy leaders wants to talk to me, but doesn’t really speak English. Something I’ve noticed is that my acquaintance is making everyone I meet (that is young) tell me their name, age and other short personal descriptive in English, and I provide the same detail back. I don’t get it, and I don’t like it. So this new holy leader and I are left alone briefly. And he asks me a question that was obviously phrased incorrectly, but I deciphered it as “So you’ll be staying with us tonight? That’s exciting”. At this point I actually do freak out. I repeated this question to him to make sure, and then just started going “no, no no, I can’t stay, I have to go, I really have to go home, I have to be at school, I can’t be here, I need to leave”. You get the idea. This response happened for like 20 seconds, then my acquaintance came back and assured him we’re leaving at 18:00. Holy shit, I totally gained a fucking hour! It’s no longer 19:00!!! Awesome. Mini-freak out over! But I’m still scared pissless.
  • To the lecture room. Girls on one side, guys on another. Including holy leaders that are standing. This is the same room the girls were in for their activities. I’m in the back of the guys side, and my acquaintance has special permission to sit next to me, but with a proper distance between us, to translate for me.
15:00

  • 3 more hours of this? I have to run away, I have to run away, I have to run away.
  • So Emotional Quotient, and Emotional Intelligence comes back, this time, in PowerPoint form, and in Chinese. So that makes it more terrifying. Acquaintance is translating for me, and it’s getting pretty fucking weird. It really sounds a lot like Scientology with their whole control of personal emotions and what not. It’s getting so much scarier to me. This time, it’s dark. So I can freak out a little bit and take hyperventilating like breaths. Awesome.
  • So we’re now confronted with a musical emotion test. I have to draw my emotions of the music I’m about to hear, for four songs, in a sinusoidal like form. I remember doing something like this in grade school. This is a a bullshit activity and I hate it. I hate when people ask you to “draw” your feelings when they play a movie, or music or whatever. It’s a test for conformity. I remember a 12th grade “science project” by the valedictorian (who’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong), about how music influences emotion. His thesis: “aggressive” music makes you more aggressive; “relaxed” music makes you more relaxed. I fucking hate this nonsense. He did blood pressure and pulse readings, it’s a crock of piss. Nothing makes me angrier than hearing Enya, or “Smooth Operator”. I feel better when I listen to “Every Time I Die” or “As I Lay Dying” or “Dethklok” or some other band with “Death”, “Deth“, “Die” or “Dying” in the title. It’s a fact. I played along here, though. I drew some sine waves. Some were cosine. I wanted to do some tangent shit, but I was afraid to not conform.
  • So I’m not listening to the translation anymore, because two things have caught my attention. The first, is that the door is locked from the inside. If you want in, you need to get past the person at the door, which did deny folks. If you want out, you need special permission. These kinds of actions and gestures I can pick up on in any language. This room had no windows, and no other exits I could see. I am literally trapped in a placed where I felt trapped, in a city that I felt trapped in a country I’m not allowed to leave for 7 more weeks. Fucking great.
  • The second thing to catch my attention was a younger, but larger girl is sitting near me, and asks my friend “Ta shi Mei guo ren?” That means “Is s/he an American?” in Chinese. I noticed this girl was younger than the rest of the crowd. They were all 18. All of them. This girl seemed to be 14ish. Not only that, but she was quite large, even by American standards, and we’re one of the fattest countries in the world. People here aren’t overweight at all. This girl didn’t seem like she should be larger though, it was strange. I also noticed she’s in a seat that was away from everyone else by at least a 1 seat distance. In terms of Euclidean distance she was between 1 and 1.41 away from people. If this were battleship, you’d fucking skip right over this girl, you’d never expect a ship to be in the middle of all the other ships so close, yet so far, like this. This girl had serious attention issues, too. Extremely fidgety and caught not paying attention a number of times. She was corrected in her focus. Someone would come by and gently touch the back of her head. I’d like to point out that her question about me being an American went unanswered from everyone except me. They ignored her unless she wasn’t paying attention. I did say yes to her. I also noticed she had a lazy eye. Something is seriously fucking wrong. This is the second outcast-like situation I’ve seen in a matter of an hour. This was far more evident than the previous, but supports my theory. Again, my disgust level was unimaginable. With all the talk of emotional understanding, transferring of minds and evident outcasting, it’s clear that any form of noncomformity is shunned with punishment.
  • I also noticed that a few other people (18 year olds) wouldn’t pay attention. So what happened then? Oh, nothing, except a shoulder massage and a point forward. That’s right. If you weren’t paying attention you got a point forward from a holy leader (younger one), and then a shoulder massage for at least 30 seconds. This is fucked up.
  • So now it’s time to play a game. It’s call emotional bingo. Even with translation I can’t figure out how to play, but it’s a Tic-Tac-Toe grid (Naughts and Crosses for you cross Atlantic nerds, 3×3). I’m supposed to put my emotions in the boxes somehow, with no direction from anyone. Just do it. I scribbled some undecipherable English. This plays to my advantage, I noticed. I realize now that when I have to write something down, poor penmanship and not-exactly-English is going to be a life saver. I wish I knew that several hours ago.
  • And now we’re presented with a Cartesian graph. Of Emotions. And where they lie. Contrary to the current quadrants we understand (I is +,+, III is -,-) there were good in the upper quadrants and weak in the right quadrants. I didn’t know what was going on, but I was told to think about and tell what emotions I feel. I didn’t. I just freaked out by being silent and going “Um, um um umumuumumumumummumumumumumumum“. This is the third or fourth official mini-freak out. By my count it should have been like 12 at this point.
  • Time to watch a movie! It’s in English! AWESOME. It’s dubbed with Chinese subtitles. Neat. Something I can understand. Or so I thought. I understand the words their saying, but I don’t understand them altogether in the way they did it. This movie was about a secret. Some really awesome secret with the internets, and books and George Washington and Newton and other people… Am I watching the DaVinci code? Is this National Treasure? No, it’s actually worse than both of those. It’s about Metaphysics. This secret, which isn’t to be told to anyone (oh great, more secrets I can’t share), is about how to manipulate the world around you, or to manipulate yourself in the current world. This wasn’t theoretical either. This wasn’t a “Believe in yourself” tape. They explained that as long as you actually focus your mind, you can make things happen. I believe this is called Wizardry. It showed waves emanating from people who wanted, or didn’t want things. This is because your negative thoughts end up becoming a focus, too, and if you focus on them too hard, then shit is going get rough for you, like being late for work. At least that’s what Dr. Joe Vitale said. And he’s totally not full of shit, at all.
  • I’m being presented with a new piece of paper. This one is for me to full in my name, age, birthdate, address, wait… again? Right, this is because that last one I filled out… has gone to Buddha. But I shouldn’t worry because no one is going to bother me after filling this out. Who needs it you ask? Buddha, of course. He needs me to fill shit out in duplicate. Motherfucker.
  • This is not Taoism. This is not Buddhism, this is not any religion I’m familiar with short of Scientology. I’m counting down the fucking minutes, which are still an excessive amount. And finally the lecture is over. It’s time to go, or so I thought. The main bigtime holy leaders of this temple wanted to talk to me again. They wanted to introduce me to their children, who spent time in NY, where another temple just like this one exists. They proceed to tell me I can go to that temple anytime I want. I just have to show my card. What card? Oh, the one in the fucking packet I’m about to receive. It’s full of books, and a card. The card has my name, the Chinese Lunar date, my “Benefactors” (acquaintance and mom), and the leaders of the temple. What the fuck?
  • The vomit is building up inside me, I’m so scared and freaked out. Seriously. I can’t take it. I’ve been shaking on and off for hours. I can’t believe what’s happened. I’ve been completely lied to, and converted to some really fucked up religion. I’m as far away from home (real home) as I possibly can be without getting any closer on this fucking planet, and I’m a ridiculous distance away from my fake home here in Taiwan. So I get my packet and a plastic bag filled with blessed fruit. I can eat them for extra blessings from Buddha. Fuck that. I’m done getting blessed. When I get my packet, the daughter of the guy holy leader (as previously mentioned way above) wanted to know when I’ll go to NY. Here is where my day felt a little bit awesome: my acquaintance explained to them that I hate NY. They were baffled. How could an American hate NY? I hate it for so many reasons, it’s really unbelievable, but she explained to them that it’s because of the Red Sox! Not only that, but they understood the feud. And it’s totally true, NY and the Yankees suck, and that is empirically supported by T-shirt sales. I can’t believe they understand this. This is something I’ve noticed in Taiwan, though. I’ve seen two American baseball shirts here: Yankees, and Red Sox. It has been explained to me that the only reason anyone in Taiwan likes the Yankees is because of Chien-meng Wang. They don’t actually like the Yankees, they just want to support him! But some folks here wear Red Sox shirts (and even a Green Monstah! shirt) because they, too, hate the Yankees! They don’t like the Red Sox, they do like Chien-meng Wang, but they FUCKING HATE THE YANKEES. FUCKING AWESOME.
  • This is the first sense of relief I’ve felt all day. It has been continuous stress.

16:00

  • Time to take a tour, or participate in more activities. I’ll take the tour, thanks. I can see a circle of 18 year old guys rubbing each others shoulders with their heads down. Fuck that! My second sense of relief came when I got to see more statues. Why? Because I noticed the swastika on the chest of one of the “Buddha’s” and every 6 inches apart on the ceiling. How the fuck did I miss this? However, it is the mirrored left-facing swastika. Not (exactly) the now controversial symbol we all know. This was kind of funny to me. I know it doesn’t seem funny, but after a day of being completely fucked with mentally and emotionally, I found worshiping swastikas kind of funny. Though, obviously, I completely despise Nazi and Neo-nazi culture.
  • So we now end up going on a mini-farm tour. I get to see bamboo and lychee, and dragon-eye fruits and lots of other shit I don’t care about at this point. I’m tired, angry, scared and desperate to leave. Two more hours. Awesome. At least it’s not three more hours.
  • At about 16:42 we head back to the temple. I realized this is a compound. This isn’t a temple, and lots of people live here. Great, I’m in the Waco of Taiwan. I guess the exciting part is I’m 1 degree north of the Tropic of Cancer. I’ve never been so close before. Neat, I suppose. I find out that WE’RE LEAVING!!!!

17:00

  • TWO HOURS EARLY!!!! FUCK YES!



So this has quite literally been one of the worst days in my life. Not only that, I feel as though this was the most emotionally jarring experience I’ve ever had. This was serious business. I felt so much better to be leaving. On the way back to JhongLi, we stopped off at two highway service stations. On this highway in Taiwan, they’re actually famous and nothing like they are back in the states. They’re really fancy with great views of the ocean and mountains. We also stopped off at a fruit market, which was awesome. The family gave me some fruit to take home with me, as well as some other fruit from the temple. The gestures of everyone, and the intent seemed to be nothing short of true kindness. But under false pretenses. I was lied to. If I was told “Hey, we want you to come to our temple, and be one of us”, I might have actually played along and not freaked out as much. But I was intentionally ill-informed. It could be because it was with only the best intent, but intentionally ill-informed nonetheless.

I was asked if I was hungry. I said no, but truthfully I was fucking starved. My stomach ache subsided and I felt good enough to eat, but I wanted to expedite this process of getting me to JhongLi. I did as little as I could and as quickly as I could in these places. We go to the second place and again, I don’t want to eat. I made it very clear. I said I wasn’t hungry. But I was thirsty, so I went into a store and bought myself a drink. Upon my return I was informed that they ordered food for me. Fuuuuuuuck. Alright, fine, what is it? Shabu shabu, a Japanese Hot Pot. OK, that’s alright, I liked some of the hot pot I’ve had out here. Except this is vegetarian. I was told that I must remember that “The Buddha’s want you to cherish food, so you must eat it all or you can take it home and eat it there.” Fucking shit. Most of you are probably unaware of this, but Hot Pot is lots of vegetables or meat in some water over an hot plate or open flame in a mini witches cauldron type thing. However, to-go food here is packaged quite differently. Especially soup and liquid based foods. They just put them in a fucking plastic bag and you’re on your way. There is no fucking way I can travel with a fucking shopping bag filled with boiling substances. So I have to eat this and eat it all. Oh, except it’s full of shit I don’t, like tofu, and pumpkin. The two foods I probably despise the most. Fucking tofu and fucking pumpkin. I fucking hate those. However, there was a mini bowl of brown sauce stuff that I can totally cover this in and cram it into my mouth and deal with it. Except this brown stuff was literally shitty. It may have been worse than tofu, or dare I say pumpkin? However, I did find out that there were more condiments I can totally get in on. Acquaintance showed me them. She found garlic - awesome, garlic will kill all these flavors and I like garlic. Oh, except that the fucking Buddha’s believe garlic bad for your heart and blood. Fucking assholes, look in a fucking medical book or Wikipedia. That shit is great for you, and great tasting. I did find some spicy sauce, and some soy sauce. So I covered EVERYTHING in this and just shoved it in my mouth. Acquaintance asked if I wanted any ice cream, I made sure I gave a stern no. I’m in the car with people who don’t speak English and Acquaintance comes back with some fucking ice cream for me. Awesome. We have a 1+ hour car ride. It’s in a container. I made sure not to fucking eat it. Let it melt, it won’t get on me. I was re-informed at this point I need to be vegetarian for at least three more days for all these blessings to kick in. And then it hit me - they were guaranteeing that my first meal after conversion was a vegetarian one. Fuck you all.

Oh, and remember what I said about the Asian driving stereotype not being reinforced? Well, that was during the day time. Apparently high-beams are fucking fine whenever you want, and changing lanes doesn’t involve looking. Also, braking doesn’t need to happen until it’s almost too late. Oh, and be sure to drive extra slow, just so Derek doesn’t get back by the intended time frame.
So we’re on our way back. We get to NCU. I get out of the car and walk as briskly as possible to my room. I enter my room and nearly scream. I dropped all of my shit to the ground, search my backpack for bugs or other technological spying devices and proceed to Skype some folks to tell them what happened. Oh, and I threw away every fucking piece of fruit and ice cream I received.

During some AIM conversations, a friend, Dr. Momentum found out exactly what religion I just became a part of: Yiguandao, or I-Kuan Tao. Also known as “that religion that was fucking banned in Tiawan for two decades.” Which two decades you, the readers, ask, presuming it to be during the Chinese, or Japanese or even the Dutch regimes in Taiwan? Wrong, the 1970s and 1980s. Yiguandao is the third biggest religion here. And I’m guessing it is so because the trick people into being a part of their religion.

Posted in Pirates! | 12 Comments »

TEH UPDATEZ

May 28th, 2008

Dear Bitches & Tricks,

I’m moving my site and upgrading my style. I’m going where all the cool kids go. So DearSomething will be rendered ineffective soon.

In the meantime, you can come enjoy a pissload of fun at Regime Turnover, where I display my utter disgust for 96.9 WTKK , Neo-Cons/Regeannauts, propaganda, and echo chambers. I would do more LOLitics, but I’m so upset with Politics now, that I don’t think it’s funny anymore.

And that’s scary.

hugsnkisses,
-Derek

Xanax precriptions
Carvedilol
Cialis viagra levitra
Phentermine online diet pill
Cope
Glipizide
Free trial viagra
Cheap cialis online
Niacin
Naltrexone
Buy cheap fioricet
Effects of phentermine
Drug interaction xanax and holy basil
Viagra strip poker flash games
Xanax without prescription
Different types of phentermine
Apomorphine
Viagra online shop
Multivitamins
Canada cialis generic
Mercaptopurine
Cheap 37 5 phentermine
Phentermine and sibutramine be combined
Remeron
Methocarbamol
Phentermine feedback
Viagra lawsuits texas
Phentermine on sale
Xanax withdrawals
Prinivil
Ultram tramadol hci tablet
Lopressor
Safe internet shopping generic viagraeng
Glycerin
Vicodin without prescription
Guanethidine
Apcalis cialis
Add link phentermine purchase
Order hydrocodone online
Low cost cialis
Order tramadol
Danaparoid
Viagra drug
Buy cheap domain onlinemiheyorg phentermine phentermine
Cialis review
Encare
Without prescription phentermine
Phenacetin
Oxycontin xanax bars perclesept and lortab wha
Avodart
Dosages xanax
Viagra vs levivia
Buy phentermine shipped usps
Buy online prescription viagra without
Generic xanax 2mg
Method of payment accepted cod phentermine
Pfizer viagra sperm
Electricity
Levivia and viagra
How to stop taking xanax
Mexican pharmacies online xanax
Tools needed for injecting xanax
Zuclopenthixol
Saquinavir
Lorazepam
Viagra for women
Levivia viagra online
Ordering xanax online
Long term side effects of phentermine
Cialis
Effect viagra
Fatal dose of xanax
Glyburide
How quick can you lose weight with phentermine
Viagra 100 mg
Digoxin
Cyclobenzaprine
Hydrocodone vicodin
Dextromethorphan
Drug loss phentermine weight
Verapamil
Ativan
Prescription tramadol
Oxyphencyclimine
Vicodin withdrawal symptom
Norflex
Cialis drug
Xanax 0.25 mg
Lipitor
Phentermine prescriptions
Viagra use
Phentermine overnight no perscription
Phentermine and pregnancy
Soma
Diet loss phentermine pill weight
Buy Ambien
Glucotrol
Buy Famvir
Alavert
Clomiphene
Butalbital
Cheapest phentermine 90 day orders
Cilexetil
Cialis and pomegranate interaction
Low cost viagra
Is phentermine discontinued
Paris france cheep viagra
Permax
Buy cheap tramadol online
Buy cheap phentermine yellow
Comparison viagra cialis levitra
Lisinopril versus viagra
Phentermine pill discount
Atracurium
Pemoline
Phentermine testimonials
Cialis comparison levitra
Novobiocin
Detection drug in phentermine screen urine
Buy phentermine without a prescription
Buy pal pay phentermine using
Pantothenic
2mg xanax
Lozol
Soma gallery
Atorvastatin
Buy Zyrtec
Levothyroxine
Dexfenfluramine
Paris cheep phentermine
Phentermine 37_5
Tramadol addiction
Side effects of drug xanax
Carisoprodol
Soma muscle
Ceftazidime
Ambien addiction
Liver problems from xanax
Phentermine online stores
Viagra sale uk
Locoid
Viagra overnight delivery
Nefazodone
Viagra recreational
Cialis discount online
Diphenhydramine
Acetylcholine
Colon cleanse ambien
Tramadol overnight
Nelfinavir

Posted in LOLitics, POLITI-PWNED, Politics, WordPress Sucks for Font Editing, moving | Comments Off

You’ve Lost That Grading Feeling

May 22nd, 2008

Dear Everyone Graded By Me,

C-. You all get a C- in life. Why? Because a C let’s you pass. And an F would be more dignified.

But a C- says “You’re just below the bar. You’re so awful you couldn’t work hard enough for 3 more points to be average. You’re sub-mediocre.”

Here’s a bit of life advice: If you don’t like your grade, try harder. Some suggestions of trying harder:

  1. Stop sucking.
  2. EMail me, my right nostril is actually an ethernet connection.
  3. Come to my office hours
    1. Or schedule an appointment

I guess I can’t blame everyone, your high school experience has ruined you. In high school, now, you’re graded on how hard you “tried” even though, you may not have done the assignment. You can make up your own, as long as you tried: Emotional A+!

Here’s a list of conversations from this semester (and last) that I just can’t let go:

Them: “I missed the test two days ago. I want to take the make up.”
Prof. Uber: “Where were you during the test? Why didn’t you get in touch with me?”
Them: “It was Easter.”
Prof. Uber: “Easter? You couldn’t EMail me? This is college. There is no make up test.”

Them: “Oh, I didn’t think not doing an assignment would hurt that much. I’ll just re-do it”
Prof. Uber: “Why didn’t you care about the assignment then?”
Them: “I don’t know, I didn’t think it was worth much”
Me: “Ok, well, it’s like 3 weeks late at this point, so I’m not grading it.”
Them: “Oh, ok.”
Them Via EMail: “I did the assignment. I’m just going to beg the professor for some points. Thanks!”

Them: “I basically did a different assignment I designed myself…, …but I worked hard. …I deserve more points.”
Me: [No Response]

Me: “UR DOING IT RONG”
Them: “Why?”
Me: “Global variables are not a part of this assignment. You haven’t gone over them in class yet.”
Them: “So, it’s still the right answer.”
Me: “Your output is correct, but your approach isn’t and you’re not demonstrating that you know the material from class. That’s the point of labs.”
Them: “Well, my high school teacher told me global variables are the best way to do this.”
Me: “Well my two degrees in this are telling you that is completely wrong.”
Them: “No, global variables are best”
Me: “No, wrong. They’re the worst. You can move a bit of code around and you’ll have the assignment done correctly, it shouldn’t take you too long. Global variables in this case are ridiculous and defeating the purpose of the assignment”
Them: [Log out and left]

Them (last semester): “So, if we pass in some code, what kind of a grade will we get?”
Me: “What do you mean ‘pass in some code’? Like just passing in stuff, even if it doesn’t work or whatever?”
Them: “Yah, like maybe it won’t compile but I know it’s right.”
Me: “Just pass in some code? Are you insane? Let’s pretend this is a calculus exam. Do you think it’s acceptable when I ask you to integrate that you just ‘pass in some math’?”
Them: “Well this project is impossible!”
Me: “Impossible, no, but it sure is difficult when you start it 2 hours before it’s due, when you were give 2+ weeks. Good luck!”

Them (this semester): “So, can we just pass in some code?”
Me: “Are you serious? I’m really glad you asked that. The answer is absolutely not. Last years class asked the same thing. Considering I’ve given you half the code needed for this project, if you even simply pass in only what I gave you, you’ll get 0 points.”
Them: “That’s not fair”
Me: [Ignore mode]

Them: “Genetic algorithms are best explained by Darwin and atheists, and this thesis I found that makes you think it has something to do with GAs by the title. I clearly didn’t read it, but I’m going to pretend.”
Me: “If you want to do this topic, please stay on point. Darwin should be mentioned in two sentences. Leave any sort of religious and non-religious entities out of this. Stick to the facts. Also, that thesis is discussing educational principles, it doesn’t fit.”
Their project: “Darwin created the universe. God doesn’t exist, let me show you. Ta-da: Genetic Algorithms.”
Me: [Disappointed]

Them: “Hey, I want to do something you have significant experience in.”
Me: “Ok, but I failed, miserably and I highly suggest you don’t do it for the following 12 reasons. There really isn’t enough time and it’s far more complex than it seems. Here are some other suggestions.”
Them: “Look, minimal functionality. Clearly, Derek, you were wrong.”
Me: “You’re not even scratching the surface, seriously, I suggest you bail before you fail.”
Them: “Here’s a different assignment.”
Me: “PWND! C-!”

And this is our future?

theendofthesemesteristhebesttimetobringupallyour”problems”,
-Derek

Posted in EPIC C- | No Comments »

« Older Entries